you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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