I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
