Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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