we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
