My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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