guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
