I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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