He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize