Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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