Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize