stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
