Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
