im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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