i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
