I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
