I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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