Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
