He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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