Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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