I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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