shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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