Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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