Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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