You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
If I die, sorry about rent.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
