based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
