She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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