What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
