I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
