So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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