his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
