i think my tv is drunk
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
