jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
