i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
