I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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