My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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