NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
