so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
