only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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