you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
