I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
