I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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