My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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