do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
