we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
MIDGETS
????
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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