I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
