something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
