i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
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