winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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