I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
