In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize