I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize