she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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