Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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