I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Randomize
