ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I skipped work to stalk him.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
