Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
