now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
