i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
