so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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